Something I’m learning is that there are rhythms and tides in my life. Just like the ocean, I tend to sway back and forth, rushing in and retreating out.
There are times when I am persistent and determined, flowing with life, crashing onwards with vivaciousness. And there are times when I pull back. When I shrivel up, shrink down and hide away.
It’s been a really long time since we’ve spoken. The old me would have apologized for this absence but the new me knows how utterly necessary this break has been. The funny thing about being a writer is that I’ve got so many words, ideas and stories swirling around in my head, I struggle most with untangling that web and stringing together the pieces than I do finding the words to say. So I guess I’ve been sitting around waiting for the right time or right way to say this. But the truth is…2017 was the year that broke me.
What a title right? If you are expecting this might be a heavy, deep post then you are correct. Those are my favourite kind of posts. The ones that make me squirm to write. The ones that make my heart race and give me sweaty palms when I hit ‘publish.’ Because these are the posts that always hit home. There is no BS here. We aren’t gonna beat around the bush. I gonna be completely honest with you about the one thing that makes and breaks me. The very best and very worst thing about myself. And yes I totally just wrote this nice, fluffy intro to put off getting into the meaty stuff just a little bit longer.
Do you ever get so invested in a show that it causes you to lose sleep? Not in a bad, this-is-so-scary way but more of a what-the-heck-does-this-mean kinda way. I don’t know if you have watched the TV show ‘13 reasons why’ yet, but I did and it cut me up. It’s been running through my mind constantly. I’ve been putting myself in all of the character’s shoes and thinking how and why things went so horribly wrong.
I was born into a Christian family so basically it is all I have ever known. While I count this as an incredible blessing, it can be difficult in that the lines between what you believe and what you have always been taught can easily blur. So it is actually quite challenging to make a choice about your faith for yourself. And even if you have been a Christian your entire life, you can still be spiritually stunted. No matter where you are at…there is A LOT to learn. So today I’m talking about what it truly means to be a Christian.
There are times when writing feels like rubbing antiseptic on a fresh cut. At the time it stings like crazy but you know in the long term it brings healing. There are moments when my mind scurries around like mad and ideas flow effortlessly and then there are moments when each time I try to put pen to paper; string sentences out of a jumble of thoughts…I come up empty.
I don’t normally like sharing two heavy posts in a row but life’s not all coffee and donuts so sometimes these things happen.
I have discovered that I have a new fear. Or maybe it is an old fear that is just wearing a new hat. The newest addition to my list of things that freak the bejeebers out of me is this: I am terrified of the future.
I am sick. It started out with an unbearably sore throat on Thursday and come Sunday I was struggling to muster the energy to move out of bed. This is possibly the worse time to get sick, right in the midst of exam season. When I need focus, clarity and motivation, my head feels rather like it has been stuffed full of cotton wool balls. But I am hardly surprised that I am sick. It has been a long time coming really. Being sick is what happens when you are burnt-out.
In our world, ordinary gets a bad rap. Everything has to be new and improved. We only want to see the best versions of everything, including ourselves. And when we wake up in the morning and find a bleary-eyed, exhausted face staring back at us in the mirror we can’t help but feel like a failure. Nobody would ever make a movie about our lives. We are far too dull. Too boring. Too ordinary…
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a really difficult situation? Where everything appears to be going wrong and life is just unbearably hard? I don’t know about you, but for most of my life I thought that God resided high up in heaven, far away from the messy, ugly, painful world. I thought occasionally he might listen and answer our prayers but I always felt like if I wasn’t dying or in poverty why should I waste his time?