I recently read the book ‘The Five love languages’ and it kinda blew my mind. I know I’m like 20 years late and whatever, but I’m gonna rave about it anyway. The copy I have actually belonged to my Gran and it has got her handwriting all scribbled throughout it which I just love (those are the best kind of books, right?) So I thought today I’d talk about my love language and what I have learnt about love in general…ooh la la!
First of all, if you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about then you need to check out Gary Chapman’s (that’s the author) website. You can do a quiz there and find out your own love languages too ( and you know how I love quizzes!)
So for the rest of you who know all about this love language stuff…what are yours?
My love language is *drum roll please*… gift giving.
Nothing makes me happier than writing little notes, sharing whatever I bake and filling people’s hearts with my gifts.
The positive thing about my love language is that people are generally always receptive of it. Unlike physical touch for example which can make people uncomfortable…everyone loves to receive a gift!
The negative thing about my love language is that it is misunderstood and often not well represented. I’m not looking for flashy expensive presents and material things. It’s not about what the gift is, how big it is or how expensive it was to buy…it’s about why you gave it to me.
Gift givers show love by showering you with tokens of their affection. We leave little notes in your lunchbox. We make you origami swans (not me though because I have no paper-folding abilities whatsoever.) We buy you cheese in the shape of hearts. Basically we leave a tangible trace of our adoration.
We aren’t crazy, we just want to show you that we care.
The thing that surprised me in the book is that couples who had been together for donkeys years had no clue what each other’s love languages were and didn’t realize that this was the reason for pretty much all of their problems.
You see the thing is, we humans need to know we are loved. We are extremely needy, every single one of us. We need affection and attention to survive. We were created that way. The desire for intimacy is in our DNA.
So when we aren’t sure of someone’s affections for us, well it leaves us a bit wibbly, wobbly and all over the place.
And I have realized that this is the reason I feel so insecure in most of the relationships in my life.
Both of my parents have the physical touch love language which unfortunately is my very weakest. Even when I was a baby my parents would go to hug me and I would pull as far away from them as possible (bet that made them feel real good.) And I was not a fan of being held my strangers either…like who do you think you are getting your filthy mits on me!
And in my friendships…well I’m the only gift giver there too. Most of them are more keen on kind words or quality time.
So it can be a real struggle for me to not feel like I am forgotten or unloved when the people in my life don’t show me love the way I want them to. How they show love is not the same way as me and therefore we can miss each others thoughtfulness by a simple miscommunication.
Finding your love language and prospering your relationships…
- Once you know your love language…own it. Don’t feel embarrassed or weird about showing people you love them. Remember, around here we are all about loving loudly!
- The next step is to work out the love languages of those around you. Once you know that you can start making an effort to show them love in a way they understand. The times that I have felt most loved were those when someone was speaking my love language. In first year, my mum always sent me care packages and it didn’t really matter to me what she put in them…it just made me feel special to know that she had thought of me. Or one time my lovely cousin popped around to visit and brought coffee for us to share. Or my neighbour brought around a bunch of bananas for us because he knew we were writing exams and needed ‘brainfood’ (bless.)
It isn’t about what you say…it’s how you say it.
- Lastly, remember that true love is a choice. It is sacrificing your own desires for the good of the one you love. Real love is always vulnerable, messy and somewhat terrifying…but it’s also the glue that binds us together.
Now tell me…
What is your love language?
Do other people in your life ‘get you?’